Thursday, April 14, 2005


It is strange that even although you are in a room full of people that you can feel totally alone, you can also feel like that when you are sitting working away on something and your phone beeps letting you know that you have a message and your heart then skips a beat thinking that you are hearing from a loved one, but instead it is only telling you that you have an email from some obscure sender trying to sell you something or other. I know that feeling well, the one where you think "Oh maybe it is....." but recently it has not been :(

I had a long chat with him the other night and cleared the air in regards to how I have been feeling recently. I do not think that we have finished talking, I have so much that I want to say, but at times I cannot articulate what is going on in my head into a normal conversation, it just seems to come out like "Blah blah blah, snort, cry snort, blahhhhh!" God I sound like I should be seeing a psychiatrist, but I am fine, just lots of feelings and emotions rushing around in my head because I have so much time on my hands at the minute. I will be fine once I am at work again and focused on helping others and not having to worry about me.

Monday, April 11, 2005


Why is it that you are going about your daily routine and suddenly you are hit with a brick wall of emotion? Is it just me?

I have just returned from what can only be described as a scary, but pleasant weekend with my man and his family (when I say family I mean the 30 other people who helped celebrate his gran's 80th Birthday), now the weekend was going so well and I was just about coping with all the people and names etc. I now find myself a total wreck of emotion, I was sitting today crying on Arthur Seat (Large dormant volcano) and I don't know why, I have tried to figure it out, was it because I saw my man with his gran (both of mine are dead), was it the fact that I spent a whole weekend with my man and then last night had to leave him or is it something totally stupid, something from the past that is creaping back into my mind because I have time to sit and think?

You will probably be saying to yourself that this guy is nuts, maybe I am, maybe I should see my doctor or maybe I just need to sit down with someone and talk, when I say talk I mean them just sitting there with the kleenex and me spouting out my soul to them. Even now as I sit here typing this, trying to work out things in my head I can feel the emotions rushing around in my body, trying to find a way of escaping from me and I don't know if I want that or if I could cope with it...... It is a scary thought that I cannot be in control