Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Strange Scottish Whether

It was a strange shift, nothing to taxing for me and my colleague, however the whether made for interesting driving. as I was driving through to work it was a warm sunny evening, the type of night you enjoy walking along the beech or sitting outside with friends in a beer garden. I however was not going to taste beer or any alcohol except for the strong heavy smell coming from my patients who had consumed some light refreshments earlier in the evening, which mixed with the excessive tablets they had taken caused their loved ones concern enough to dial 999.

Over the 20 miles I travel to work I manage to listen to some music, think about various things and get myself ready to face the public, I think about what is in store for me tonight, what vehicle I might be on, who I'm working with and generally life. I also think I should be out with friends getting drunk in the sunshine.

After checking our vehicle and having a cuppa we settle down and wait. We get a couple of jobs in the area, we chat en route and both enjoy the heat, however, the whether feels different, muggy, heavy air, like a storm is brewing. We switch roles halfway through our shift, I now drive and as we are pulling into the A&E to collect a patient to transfer to The Royal the rain starts spitting. The patient is loaded, his friends are waiting in their cars to follow us through, the 25 mile journey passing my house, to the hospital. Once on the motorway the rain is now heavier, the need to have the wiper blades running constantly to keep the windscreen clear, the as we are entering the city limits and coming onto the bypass the skies, which only 3 hours ago were clear and filled with warm sunshine are now totally black and the rain is pouring torrentially, massive down pouring, causing mini rivers to develop on the carriageway, flooding down the hills to meet you, wipers on full speed and just managing to cope. We arrive at the Royal and it is cooler, freshly bathed air blows around the ambulance bay, the rain has passed, it has washed away the stale smell of vomit and alcohol from the air, it is fresh now, almost tropical as the heat builds up again, but with the dampness still in the air. I love our whether, so many surprises around the next bend, maybe we'll get snow next!!!!

Friday, April 20, 2007

Time passes

Well it's been a fortnight since Kal and I broke up, I've seen him a few times since, some were more difficult than others, there have been moments of silence, moments of pain and lots of tears either alone or with others. It is still difficult not seeing him, but I think it is getting easier, I still think about him, waken in the morning with thoughts of him, but it doesn't hurt as much as it has not hearing from him, not receiving the "Good morning / night" text messages which were our way of communicating when we were on different shifts and had not see each other for a few days.

I know that it will get easier, people keep telling me that, wit time I'm sure it will.

I was around at Kal's earlier this week collecting some stuff, that was a difficult time for me it mad things feel so final, so much so that when I said goodbye to Kal and he said "yeah see you" I just wanted to die, the pain was so immense, it felt so impersonal, I know he didn't mean to be, because I could feel his pain as well when we hugged, but it still hurt. I've been reading his blog, I was surprised he blogged about the break up, he is not normally one to discuss his personal feelings, I know he will have struggled with his emotions before he blogged his thoughts and feelings. Kal is good at hiding his thoughts and feelings, but inside I know he'll be struggling and hurting, he has had longer to come to terms with the break up, longer to become accustomed to single life, but he's also had to cope with these mix of feelings and emotions whilst still trying to be my boyfriend.

I hope he is well as I don't want to seem to be bothering him and bombarding him with text messages, I want to stay in contact and be friends, but I don't want to be "chasing" him either to the point that we fall out and fight or make him feel uncomfortable or pissed off when I contact him, so I'm going to let him contact me, give him his space, his time, his choice!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Birthday Cheer?

Well it was Kal's birthday yesterday, I arranged to meet up with him after he had finished at a work related meeting. We met up in one of our regular coffee shops and sat, I didn't really say much and neither did he, it was difficult, we both finished our coffee and he walked me to the car to collect his birthday card and gifts, they were gifts that I had bought when we were together, I had changed the card obviously as he is no longer my boyfriend so the original one was inappropriate. During our strained conversation I found out that he was going for a meal with his flat mate and one of his friends (that hurt, because I had been obviously as his boyfriend planning to take him to a rather exclusive place for a romantic meal) then on for drinks, which I was invited along to afterwards.

I thought about going, it tore me apart not going, but it also would have torn me up more if I'd have been drunk, I might have said or worse still done something totally inappropriate and felt guilty afterwards, I text Kal to apologise for my absence and wished him all the best, I think in my heart I did the right thing, I think we both might have hurt more if we had met up for drinks, I hope I'm not wrong and I've distanced him from me, that was not my intention at all.

Happy (belated) Birthday Kal x

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Coffee & Cake

Well I arranged to meet up with Kal, I know you will probably think it's too soon and a stupid thing to do, but it was something that had to be done.

We met in neutral territory, somewhere we both feel completely familiar with. We sat in silence, picking at threads of conversation, trying to be strong, but I could see the pain in his eyes and felt the pain as he stroked my back and brushed against my leg with his knee. I also felt a closeness to him, knowing the pain he is feeling, because I'm feeling it as well.

We had settled into conversation by the second round of drinks, I still hurt and feel like crying, but I haven't so far so that must be good. He looks good as well, but also looks like he needs a massive hug, I just wanted to shove the table out the way and hold him tight in my arms, he needs to cry, he looks like he's bottling it all up and I know what he's like, he'll become more withdrawn!

We walked out to our cars and both stood there not knowing what to do, in the past we would kiss, now though....

We both at the same time walked forward and hugged, a tight, secure hold, not caring who was watching and disapproving, we both needed it! It will get easier is what I keep hearing, I hope so, I want him back as my best friend, I know deep down it's over, but that's not to say we need to be enemies, we may have to work together after all!

Friday, April 13, 2007

My questions


That is one of the questions that keeps going round in my head, How did I not see all this coming, there were as far as I can see no signs whatsoever of Kal wanting to finish with me! I loved being around him, feeling him touching me, holding me, yeah sure we had our differences, but doesn't everyone? We were talking not so long ago about summer holidays, planning on taking our parents away for a weekend, was it all lies, was he really ever in love with me?


That is another question I can't answer, why so suddenly did he stop being in love with me, why didn't we talk, did he try and tell me but I missed the signals?

I know he has been thinking about it for a while, he told me when we split, but surely I should have picked up on something, was I so self absorbed on making sure we had fun, making sure I looked out for him that I totally misunderstood him and his responses to me? Was I such a shit boyfriend, lover, partner?

I was speaking to a colleague today and she, like so many other colleagues said she was so surprised because we seemed so close, so good, so well suited to each other. I know what she means, I have had long term relationships before, but I've never been so totally and utterly devastated by breaking up, it doesn't feel like anything I've experienced in a break-up, more like when I heard about the death of a very good childhood friend, I am totally at a loss.

My station manager was good, today was the first time I've seen him since Kal broke up with me, he was spot on in his reactions, he knew just how much to say and more importantly what not to say.

I have just called Kal, I know I shouldn't have, I was hoping it would just be his voice mail, but he picked up, he was back from his day's away, working nights but on a break, we spoke, I felt guilty, I feel worse now than I did before I called and yes I know I shouldn't have, Kal I know you'll read this, I'm sorry for being short and a bit shity towards you, it was probably not a good idea, but I had to hear your voice, to know you were safe, I still care deeply about you, I still love you,

I'm sitting at my thinking spot, you know where Kal, totally alone, listening to F1 and the song that is playing sums up my feelings right now, 'Lost without you', I don't know who the female is, maybe Delta Goodrum?, but that's how I feel!

Plea e call me, if you want to and can face speaking. X

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Still hurting

Well it's been 3 day's since I've had contact from Kal, he is having time to himself. I know that he's ok because he's blogging, so I'm happy that he is doing ok, but I still miss him.

I have had lots of hugs, kind words and cups of tea offered from friends and colleagues, this is nice, it's good to see that people I've known for years are rallying around to offer support, however, it would still be nice to hear from Kal just a text or a blog comment or even a phone call so that I can get to tell him I care, I still want to be friends, I want to be there for him, especially with his Birthday coming soon, it will be difficult for me, but I want him to know I still care a lot for him,

I can't just turn off the feelings, compassion and love I had for him over the last two and a half years! Somewhere in my heart I still love him x

I still think about him first thing every morning and last thing at night.

Monday, April 09, 2007

thoughts and feelings

I lie here, sun streaming through the cracks of the blinds, the world going about it's business, people laughing, people celebrating Easter with their loved ones. Time passes slowly, I know I have been watching the clock tick through every minute for the last two hours, like a bug struggling to get free from treacle, I feel safe here, under the duvet, knowing I cannot get upset if I don't think about it, but I do think about it, I always used to think about Kal, first though when I woke and my last as I slipped into sleep. I was lying the other day, slipping off and could see the happy times, his face, I could feel his breath on me, I so long to feel that again, to know everything will be fine but it's not going to happen. I was jolted awake by my guardian angel, who knew there was more it wasn't the right time to sleep I needed to be awake, to be strong to be alive and get out there and face the world. I have to force myself to shower, to shave to put on that brave face because things will get better, people do care, but I care too, I care about hurting, I care about upsetting those who care for me, I care about getting on with life and having to go through the anguish of breaking the news of the break-up. I was asked last night by a lovely colleague if I 'felt better' as I had been off sick and I burst into tears and ran off to hide, I managed to tell her what was wrong, but I felt such a fool not being able to talk. Kal always said I needed to talk more about my feelings, I was a good listener, I still am, but I'm shit at letting go of my thoughts and feelings, maybe if I'd spoke more.......maybe

Sunday, April 08, 2007

And now it hurts

I can now sit a write this, it has been 72hrs of complete a utter agony, I have been totally devastated with what has happened. As you may know I have been going out with Kal for the last 2 1/2yrs and over that period we have had some amazing times, however on Thursday evening we met up and the news was broken, he still loves and cares for me, but not enough to be in love with me, as you might guess this was a total shock to me, yes we have fought and had disagreements but nothing that we haven't fixed. I have spent many many hours agonising and wondering why, what, how and still not came to any conclusions. I met with Kal yesterday and had another long painful, but honest talk, we both said things that hurt, I've done things over the last 48hrs that upset Kal, caused him anguish and pain, it wasn't as blackmail or punishment just not thinking and being so self absorbed with the pain I was feeling I couldn't see the pain other's felt for and with me. I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has text me since they found out, I would also like to say to Kal "friends, no matter when it is, if you need me call" I wish him all the luck in the world, hope he finds happiness one day and I hope he doesn't feel half the pain I've gone through, but if he is hurt, upset, worried or just needs to cry, drink tea or have a hug I'll be there, cup, hankies and arms ready. I love you Kal, as a friend and still somewhere in my heart as a lover x

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Long time coming

Life is strange, people drift into and out of life, some at the blink of an eye. Life deals some people a bad hand, knocking them time and time again.

When people are exposed to situations they react differently, screams and shouts, tears and quietness, laughter and loudness. There are so many reactions and combinations that you never know what's coming. As health care professionals we have the challenging task of dealing with emotions, either over the phone or face to face, we know what's happening to that loved one, we have done what we can....flip that around, we now become the family member, the friend, the partner, how do we react, how should we react?

The mind is wonderful, we store images, memories, thoughts and feelings all pushing to come forward, but we keep them hidden, under control, because we don't like showing our emotions. Unfortunately there are occasions when you cannot control them, something triggers a flood of emotions, usually a build up of smaller issues then BANG the tears, the crying, the screaming.

People are somewhat different in what they want from other's, the person who wants held, but is too frightened to ask, the person who needs to talk but thinks no-one will listen, the lover who needs love, the child who needs attention, but sits alone in the busy school yard, the noisy person too shy to speak to you! All these and more are common, combine these traits with the emotions which are locked away and there is undoubtedly a ticking bomb that is waiting to go off. Think about your friends, family, loved one's, when did you last sit and really listen, when did you hold them tight, when did you last tell them 'I'm here if you want to talk', when did you last say 'I love you, you're special or even hey how are you?'

Take the time to say it, either face to face, over the phone or in a note, email or letter, because you never know what's around the corner, will you get that second chance?