My questions

How?

That is one of the questions that keeps going round in my head, How did I not see all this coming, there were as far as I can see no signs whatsoever of Kal wanting to finish with me! I loved being around him, feeling him touching me, holding me, yeah sure we had our differences, but doesn't everyone? We were talking not so long ago about summer holidays, planning on taking our parents away for a weekend, was it all lies, was he really ever in love with me?

Why?

That is another question I can't answer, why so suddenly did he stop being in love with me, why didn't we talk, did he try and tell me but I missed the signals?

I know he has been thinking about it for a while, he told me when we split, but surely I should have picked up on something, was I so self absorbed on making sure we had fun, making sure I looked out for him that I totally misunderstood him and his responses to me? Was I such a shit boyfriend, lover, partner?

I was speaking to a colleague today and she, like so many other colleagues said she was so surprised because we seemed so close, so good, so well suited to each other. I know what she means, I have had long term relationships before, but I've never been so totally and utterly devastated by breaking up, it doesn't feel like anything I've experienced in a break-up, more like when I heard about the death of a very good childhood friend, I am totally at a loss.

My station manager was good, today was the first time I've seen him since Kal broke up with me, he was spot on in his reactions, he knew just how much to say and more importantly what not to say.

I have just called Kal, I know I shouldn't have, I was hoping it would just be his voice mail, but he picked up, he was back from his day's away, working nights but on a break, we spoke, I felt guilty, I feel worse now than I did before I called and yes I know I shouldn't have, Kal I know you'll read this, I'm sorry for being short and a bit shity towards you, it was probably not a good idea, but I had to hear your voice, to know you were safe, I still care deeply about you, I still love you,

I'm sitting at my thinking spot, you know where Kal, totally alone, listening to F1 and the song that is playing sums up my feelings right now, 'Lost without you', I don't know who the female is, maybe Delta Goodrum?, but that's how I feel!

Plea e call me, if you want to and can face speaking. X